Let's face it -- this is America, we're a capitalist society, and we don't want socialism in our country, in any of its forms. If we wanted our government to take care of us, we'd move to France. We're not looking for handouts; we're living the American Dream, doing it our way -- the American Way. We don't want to get paid to go to college. We don't want six weeks of paid vacation every year. Government sponsored maternity leave? Forget it! And we sure as hell don't want free health care! And why not? Because all of those things mean higher taxes, and instead of paying that money to the US government, we'd rather pay college tuition, hospital bills, insurance premiums -- we cut out the middleman, because anything less would be un-American.
But unfortunately, socialism is already alive and well in America, and if we're going to be a truly capitalist society and keep those vodka swilling Russians and red Chinese from taking over, we need to root out every form of socialism from our way of life. What socialism, you ask? That's the scary thing -- you don't even realize how much socialism those commie liberals have already sneaked into your everyday life.
Let's start with education -- the public school system is a purely socialist institution. Can you believe there are people in this country who think that every child living in the United States has a right to an education? And the taxpayers are footing the bill! I don't have any kids, so why should I pay for their education? What do I care if they grow up to be morons? If they want an education, they can go to private school like I did, and their parents can pay tuition like my mom did, or would have done if I hadn't had discounted tuition because she was a teacher at the school and an academic scholarship to cover the rest. After all, it was only $18,000 a year. I say the public schools are crap anyway -- get rid of them all, get government regulations out of education, and any cheapskate parents who aren't willing to fork over thousands of dollars a year for their children's educations can home school them. Besides, who wants their kids learning 'evolution' and 'sex ed' anyway? That junk science just leads to evil behavior, like wildlife conservation and using condoms.
And we can't stop with schools; how about police and fire departments? Who do you call when your house is on fire? The fire department? Socialist! A real American puts that fire out himself, or pays an immigrant to do it. I'm tired of my tax dollars being spent to put out other people's fires. If you don't want your house to burn down, don't light it on fire! And cops -- don't even get me started! We can take a cue from your commie friends in Nicaragua on this one; I've been down there, and when you want a cop, you have to pay him. Now that's capitalism!
Public roads? Screw that -- I've got four wheel drive. Prisons? Why should I pay to lock up rapists and murderers when I can just shoot them with the fully automatic rifle the US Constitution guarantees me the right to own? The military? Who needs an army when we've got rednecks and Blackwater? FDA? I don't need some bureaucrat to tell me when there's poison in my food. Foster care? They aren't my kids. Veterans' hospitals? They shouldn't have gotten shot. National Parks? Why should my tax dollars pay some guy in a khaki uniform to tell me where I can't mine for gold or blow the heads off of God's creatures? This land is my land, and I'll do with it what I please!
And what about that lurking, stinking, wretched assault on the American way of life called the welfare system? Don't have a job? No problem! We'll pay you not to work! Have kids and no money to buy them food? No problem! Have some food stamps! By all means, let the hard-working American taxpayers support your family for you! Buy some Twinkies with those food stamps! We don't mind a bit! Some people think the welfare system is flawed, but that we still need it for those who truly do require assistance. Are they crazy? If you need food, get a job! If you're injured, suck it up and get back to work! We all have to take care of ourselves -- we're not here to take care of each other. That's not the American way.
And then there's health care; good Americans who love Jesus are taking a stand against socialized medicine, but did you know that our health care system is already overrun with socialism? Yeah -- would you believe that hospitals actually get state funding based on the number of patients they receive? And get this -- if you have a life threatening injury or illness and you go to a hospital, they're legally required to treat you, even if you don't have any money, and you know who pays for that, right? You and I, the taxpaying citizens of this country. Well I say not only do we not need universal health care, we need to weed out the socialism that's already destroying our health care system. I say if you can't afford health care, get a job. If you don't want your insurance company telling your doctor what treatment you can receive, then pay your own medical bills. I say if you don't have health insurance, you're shit out of luck. And if you think hospitals in low income areas have a lower standard of care, why don't you move to a better neighborhood? Around here, people are airlifted to bigger, better hospitals for all but the most basic of emergency procedures, and I think that's just fine. Seriously, are you going to turn down a helicopter ride just so you can have your life-saving surgery a couple of hours sooner? Get your priorities straight. When are you ever going to have a better excuse to spend $15,000 for a ride in a chopper?
I think the problem with this country is that we've forgotten the American Dream; our ancestors didn't invade this land and commit genocide on its inhabitants so we could become a nation of freeloaders -- so we could let some 'public servant' like Barack Obama implement programs to keep us 'safe' and 'healthy'. This is America, a God-fearing nation founded on competition, where the government is supposed to stay out of the way of progress. If you want to tell me who I can have sex with, fine, because that really does affect everyone, but don't you dare try to tell me how to make my money, and you'd better keep your dirty hands off of it. If I want to give my hard-earned money away, I'll donate it to my church; hell, they're the ones who ought to be in charge of things anyway. Some people say that would send us back to the Dark Ages. I say what's wrong with returning to a simpler time? People knew their place back then. Why not go back to the Dark Ages? In fact, I say bring on the Stone Age -- just make sure the stones are red, white, and blue.
